Wyatt Burps

Charles Bukowski

don’t feel sorry for me.
I am a competent,
satisfied human being.

be sorry for the others
who
fidget
complain

who
constantly
rearrange their
lives
like
furniture.

juggling mates
and
attitudes

their
confusion is
constant

and it will
touch
whoever they
deal with.

beware of them:
one of their
key words is
“love.”

and beware those who
only take
instructions from their
God

for they have
failed completely to live their own
lives.

don’t feel sorry for me
because I am alone

for even
at the most terrible
moments
humor
is my
companion.

I am a dog walking
backwards

I am a broken
banjo

I am a telephone wire
strung up in
Toledo, Ohio

I am a man
eating a meal
this night
in the month of
September.

put your sympathy
aside.
they say
water held up
Christ:
to come
through
you better be
nearly as
lucky.

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Only mine make milk at the moment.

My baby is quite content with my boobs also as they are his main source of nourishment.

We have a great relationship, sometimes a feeding is frustrating.

Sometimes i just want to shove a bottle in his whinehole

But then I look at his beautiful face with his pouty lip sticking out and his bird like cry and remember it’s his only way of telling me he’s mad, hungry, tired, has crapped his pants and so on, and i can feel my frustration dissipate.

We are a team, him and I.

I’m afraid our bond won’t be strong if i find a job i can’t take him too.

So i want to start building up a supply of liquid gold, the good stuff.

here is also a interesting article

Read Here

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July was an incredible month.

Wyatt and I ventured across the country to Colorado to meet some of my favorite people on earth. They are such awesome people, wonderful parents and wonderful friends. I felt really boring the whole time, I wish I was more outgoing like they were.

Wyatt got to meet his BFF (Best Fetus Friend turned Bestie)

I wish there were people like them out here. I am scheming to move there for a year who wants to come with me!?

Nickola dropped Wyatt and I off at the airport and voila he started to fuss. I’m pretty sure he felt the stress emanating from my pores. Trying to juggle him, backpack, stroller, purse, etc WAS NOT EASY. Checking my Pack was the best idea i’ve ever had. It still wasnt easy.

Getting through security wasnt bad, until i realized that my sigg bottle was full of water, what does this mean? i have to leave the terminal empty the water bottle and walk back through again. EFF that, i tried to bargain with the guy, no dice. At this point Wyatt said enough is enough so i had to leave find a place to sit and feed him, showing my boob to the world.

Going back through the security gate i wore him in the moby, good move on my part. *sidenote: I brought a bag to cover his car seat in so it wouldn’t get dirty being gate checked and what not.

Flying was the easier parts of the trip, getting around the airport? not easy.

We landed in Denver around eleven since our plane was delayed.

(Insert hugely stressful drama here)

Take awesome train ride through the mountains

Arrive safely! Meet Lauren! SO HAPPY! I was nervous for no good reason and being on the train really dragged it out.

Had probably the best time ever just relaxing, i am a lazy person by nature and the travel there was enough for me.

No Comments | In: Baby | tags: Best Friends, colorado, happy, Travel., Wyatt. | #

1. I’m afraid
2. How I didnt have a natural birth the way I wanted, as much as i have accepted the way Wyatt came into the world was best for us, now that i have hindsight it makes me a little regretful.
3. Trying so awfully hard to move my fudging feet post op, the faster i did the faster i got to see my baby. I was falling asleep and so tired it was really a chore. Thankfully Nickola was there.
4. I am grateful my mom went with Wyatt up to the NICU, she got to experience his first minutes of life and i am a bit jealous of that.
5. How wonderful my little boys smile is and how i can’t wait to snuggle with him even if he kicks me with his tiny (huge) feet and wails at me with his little fists to tell me he’s hungry.
6. How he calms down instantly when he sees the boob unless i don’t whip it out fast enough.
7. He looks like his father, who hasnt seen him once. This fact does not bother me. I’m ok with it.

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Is a new and amazing place. I want to explore it, live here and experience new and fun things. I want to make new friends out here and hang out with amazing people.

Wyatt and I could have a great life here.

I would like to move here. Wyatt agrees.

it is incredibly beautiful here.

i would like to live here, I am sad to leave.

Post about the business i am going to start coming next.

No Comments | In: Baby | | #

Wyatt and myself will be boarding a plane tomorrow afternoon and heading out into the great wilderness also known as Colorado!

We are very excited to see some awesome people! Who have put up with my sorry self for a long time.

Tomorrows plan is the following:

• Pack up and clean the car,
• go buy cat food, they are shunning the home made food i made them, bastards.
• Go find Nickola, she is elusive.
• Hang out with Nickola for an hour
• Get dropped off at the airport, Leave car with N
• Check in, check my pack no WAY am i lugging that around the air port
• PRAY to the airplane gods i dont get bumped from any flights
• also hope Wyatt will not fuss.
• Board airplane
• Arrive in JFK
• Fly to Denver and hang around till my bus departs for Vail
• SEE AWESOME PEOPLE

The End

1 Comment | In: Baby | | #

Where I’ve been.

Where I want to be.

Where I will end up.

I want to be an art therapist. Working with children who have gone through trauma, are sick or just battling their own demons. These fights don’t have to be silent and I would like to be able to help them heal. Do I want to stay in Maine? Where else would be good enough? Where else could I find a job that i can stay with my son and still make enough money for us to live on? That I can have my kitties?

So many questions.

very few answers.

which leads to more questions.

and worry.

No Comments | In: General Rants | | #

Well,

17 days have already come and gone.

The flowers are blooming, life is moving along at it’s usual pace and yet here i am. Inching in a slow gelatinous mess of this world with a small sleepy cloth diapered boob fed baby whose smell i drink in and cries i am thankful for because he is healthy enough to let me know he’s pissed. I can dance with him in the kitchen cuddled on my chest close to my heart singing absolutely terrible songs which somehow puts him to sleep. I am his person, his Mommah, his sole caretaker, diaper changer, source of food, who scoops him up into my arms for hugs and songs. I am his and he is mine.

We are a team.

Wyatt and I are still getting to know each other.

He is a champion burper

and could win medals for his farts

That little priceless face staring up at mine, memorizing his eyes and drinking in his sweet furrowed brow. I’m sure he is still trying to figure out who the fuck I am and how the hell he ended up here of all places. However it must be a modicum better than the cramped confines of da womb.

See the ant?

I am that ant in the photo, that tiny speck on a big epic flower totally engulfing me.

1 Comment | In: Baby | tags: Motherhood, Wyatt. | #

I’m not one for birth stories, i tend to skip over them because after a while they all blend into one, with an outcome that’s rather predictable.

I went to my doctor on Friday for an ultrasound to see how Wyatt was doing,  His fluid was low and he was not consistently practice breathing. They estimated he would weigh about 8lbs 8 ounces. Which was fine with me, i just wanted a healthy baby boy in my arms instead of my belly. My mom had made the wise decision to accompany me to these appointments instead of me calling her frantically to say “COME UP HERE NOW”

The doctor decided it was best to induce so off we went across the street to the palace that is known as the Maine Medical Birthing Center.  Now i’ve never been hospitalized before, i’ve never had an IV, never had surgery. Once i arrived and tried to figure out how to put a gown on…which looks easier than it actually is…there was a lot of snaps. Got my IV, spoke to a resident and had cervadil shoved up my nether regions and left alone for 12 hours.

The downside of this, and the poor ultrasound was that I had to be constantly monitored. My belly was feeling raw after the gel and moving around, i ended up taping it down with uber sticky tape and even then it never stayed in place and nurses were constantly hunting me down in the hallway. I shouldve won an award for walking in circles around the L&D floor. I miss the ice and ginger ale they had.

Can anyone guess what happened after the 12 hours? Nothing, not one centimeter dilated. The powers that be decided to do a day of pitocin, which felt like a cruel punishment and awarded me an IV stand to push around the small circle of hallway I had to walk. I think I out walked anyone whose ever given birth there.  A day of pitocin goes by being amped up more and more past the max for 12 hours till it’s decided it’s not doing anything.

Which led to another 12 hour cervadil, Which was a huge break from the pitocin and gained me my sanity back. This only earned me a centimeter dilated and another day of pitocin. Which was you know..fun. Pushed past the limit before to a even higher dose. After a day of this i caved (also severe back labor) and got an epidural. Which was not at all what i was expecting. I could still move my legs relatively well, obviously not great but that’s expected.

Things calmed down quite a bit once i got the epidural and i was slowly dilating.

the keyword is slowly.

By late Monday night it was time to push, three hours later? not much goin on. I gave it my all and pushed with everything I had and i couldn’t do it anymore. I hadn’t eaten in two days at this point, no liquids I was BURNT OUT.

I chose to have a c section, which i appreciate more than anything in the world. They gave me a choice, let me choose what was best for me in this situation.

GUESS HOW MUCH THIS KID WEIGHED?

11lbs 4 oz and was 22 inches long

Giving birth to him vaginally wouldve been trying in the best of circumstances

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I’m a mess.

There is no sugar coating it. I don’t feel like I am loosing my mind, but i am sure as hell nervous. I thought I had my shit together before Wyatt was born. That stubborn confidence I carried around like a shield, everyone questioning me left and right about whether or not I could do this. That confidence helped their questions bounce off me with less of an impact. Wyatt wasn’t born in the way i had prepared myself for. The one where he is born without intervention, it crumbled the foundation i was standing on. There is this constant cycle running through my head. Yes i can do this, NO OH MY i can’t i just can’t there’s no way i can it’s so scary I’m so alone, i’ll always be alone, and then back to “take a deep breath, just get through today and you will be alright, and the cycle continues. I guess i really have to experience life on my own to be able to really tell myself that we will be okay.

I used to picture my life with Wyatt, just him and I in our apartment living life making due with what we had…persevering. That picture in my head has drastically changed and has this dark ominous overtone of insecurity and fear. Will we be okay? YES. Am i capable of caring for my son and loving him beyond belief? Hell yes. Do i feel like i have the confidence to do so at this very moment in time? no not yet i’m working on it.

Where is my confidence? Where did it go?

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