I’m a mess.
There is no sugar coating it. I don’t feel like I am loosing my mind, but i am sure as hell nervous. I thought I had my shit together before Wyatt was born. That stubborn confidence I carried around like a shield, everyone questioning me left and right about whether or not I could do this. That confidence helped their questions bounce off me with less of an impact. Wyatt wasn’t born in the way i had prepared myself for. The one where he is born without intervention, it crumbled the foundation i was standing on. There is this constant cycle running through my head. Yes i can do this, NO OH MY i can’t i just can’t there’s no way i can it’s so scary I’m so alone, i’ll always be alone, and then back to “take a deep breath, just get through today and you will be alright, and the cycle continues. I guess i really have to experience life on my own to be able to really tell myself that we will be okay.
I used to picture my life with Wyatt, just him and I in our apartment living life making due with what we had…persevering. That picture in my head has drastically changed and has this dark ominous overtone of insecurity and fear. Will we be okay? YES. Am i capable of caring for my son and loving him beyond belief? Hell yes. Do i feel like i have the confidence to do so at this very moment in time? no not yet i’m working on it.
Where is my confidence? Where did it go?
01/06/2010 at 3:30 pm Permalink
Confidence with anything new takes time to build up. When you start a new job, you’re nervous and doubt your abilities. This is similar. Being a parent is a whole new ballgame for you. If you weren’t nervous? I’d be worried.
What you’re feeling is normal, I promise you. One day at a time. If that seems like too much when you’re in the moment, just take a deep breath and say “I just have to make it until he goes down for a nap”.
In the beginning, as cliche as it sounds, sleep when he sleeps. Your body needs it. Your mind needs it. Being sleep deprived sucks–if you try and push through these first few weeks only sleeping a “normal” sleep schedule, you’ll fall on your ass and want to punch a llama in the mouth
Is there ANYONE to help you?!