What is it when a relationship ends and you feel defeated? A balloon exploding into tiny bits of rubber. Lungs sighing out loudly as you figure out what your next move is. Writing down hopes and dreams where you wake up refreshed only to remember that you are once again alone; with loneliness comes peace after a while till you pull your head of of your misery for a breath of fresh air so fresh that it stings and your eyes fill with tears. My relationships have not been perfect i thought that (hah this is where you went wrong dummy!) that i have found my partner.
But what is a partner? Am I ready to be selfless for another person while still being independent? Every time I find myself melting into the person I am with. No longer myself but a “we” and I loose that identity. I see this now and have no desire to seek out a relationship where I end up caring for someone else. Mostly in the sense where I mother them. I want to be a supporting and loving partner to someone who is deserving of that gift I have to offer. Not the girl who wakes up, feeds her boyfriends dog and makes breakfast or does their laundry. I want someone who is capable of caring for themselves. I am going to be a strong independent woman who can take care of herself and her son. This summer is the beginning of a journey to accomplish this goal. Don’t ask me how yet, I have lofty ideas. Building canoes, being a nanny…the ideas are numerous. I am confident I will find a job that works for both Baby Bear and myself.
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