The silence is deafening, and my ears are ringing. What direction is my life going in? The world is my oyster and I have no idea what I want to do with it. I feel alone most of the time, I share my life with my son who is the light that makes my soul shine. Despite this I still feel like I am wandering around not knowing what to do. Every step I take is judged and analyzed or flat out told me I’m wrong. What is it to be told you are wrong with every move you make?
You know when people keep telling someone that they can’t do something they come to believe that it is true? That dour look on their faces and their pessimism leeching out of their pores. Being met with a negative response to all my ideas that I feel could be good for my son and I is discouraging. I have a certain idea in my head about how I am going to raise my son, how I am going to provide for him and how I will be successful in life. It is not your average cookie cuter way of American life.
I am a single mom, I am a student, and I am going to build up a business from scratch and be successful at it. I am going to show my son that with hard work you can do great things in life. Right now though I am struggling with the most mundane every day things. I really need to firm up what business and how as soon as possible. More to come on that.
My follow through is terrible and nothing I want to do gets done. How do I change that? Do you just wake up one morning and say I am going to change my life? How do you just change your life in an instant? Maybe the soul sucking depression and sorrow being lifted would be a good start. The anxiety from possibly leaving my son? Why am I not a better student? How do I make myself care about getting good grades? I’m going to be realistic and not sugar coat things anymore. I struggle every day and all I am met with is “realism” and the dour negative unhelpful opinions.
Please stop shoving into my face the negative, unhelpful arrogant opinions that I already harbor. You do not know what is best for me, I know what is best for me and will be making the best decisions for us. Do you want to help? Be positive, look on the bright side of things, allow me to be who I am without wanting to control my entire life. Things do not go according to plan, I am so sick of people talking about “THE PLAN” I need to do things on my own time and be ready for it, I don’t need you shoving me along like I’m some long lost pathetic soul who you need to pity.
I may be sad, beat down and unsure of our future but that is not going to define who I am as a person. I am more than that and I have more to offer. I’ve run out of things to say that will change the outcome of this situation, nothing I say or do will ever be good enough. It is defeating to constantly have to fight the people who are supposed to support you. I feel no support, just judgement and “realistic opinions”.
The only place to go from here is up.
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” Alexander Graham Bell
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